It’s Hjort’s world; we just live in it.

By Jason Hjort

It’s Friday night, you just got paid, where do you go? Well, that largely depends on what you consider to be ‘fun’ and ‘entertaining.’ Portland is a small city, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a great night. You just have to find the right venue. Portland nightlife is constantly changing. Clubs and bars come and go.

Last year, an independent survey asked tourists to rate our shopping, restaurants, and nightlife. Not surprisingly, shopping and restaurants rated very high. Unfortunately, nightlife did not. Travelers overwhelmingly responded that Portland lacks nightlife. Why is that? We certainly have enough bars in the Old Port, right?

Well, my friends, quantity doesn’t always mean quality. Thirty cruise ships are expected to dock in Portland this year; when Ocean Gate opens, that number is expected to jump to 40+ ships. Many of these liners are coming from Europe, where nightlife and clubbing are generally light-years ahead of anything we can offer here.

So, how do we close the gap? Unfortunately, it’s not going to be easy. As new hotels, office buildings, parking garages, and restaurants spring up in the Old Port, the number of new clubs (not renamed existing clubs) featuring live music and DJs is zero. Other than The White Heart, when was the last time a new (not former, re-named) club opened in Portland? Yeah, I can’t remember, either. That’s sad.

So what qualifies me, other then a strong opinion, to create a nightlife guide? Over the past 18 years, I’ve played in just about every venue in Portland, as either a DJ or in my various bands. You’d be hard-pressed to name a venue I haven’t played around here—okay, there’s like one or two folk places, but honestly…

When I’m not playing in clubs, I’m hanging out in them. Over the years, I’ve gotten a first-hand look at the changes, fads, and trends in Portland’s nightlife. Now, in 2007, I’m taking a good, hard look at the scene and figuring out what it all means.

The following is by no means a comprehensive list of bars and clubs in Portland. Rather, it’s a selection of some of the more popular places that generally feature some form of musical entertainment. The opinions contained herein are solely that of the writer.

[ Irish Pubs ]

Brian Ború, Rí Rá, Bull Feeney’s, Gritty McDuff’s (okay—Gritty’s may just sound Irish)

Why does Portland have so many Irish Pubs? Where are my five Danish pubs? Hmm?

The allure of these places is the draught beer, higher-end pub-style foods, and good old pub-style nightlife. You go with co-workers to share a pitcher and talk about how Debbie in HR hooked up with Mike in IT. Depending on who’s playing, the music is generally an afterthought and can range from folk to rock and reggae. Something tells me the pubs would be packed regularly with or without that band playing “Whipping Post” every Saturday night.

{ Best Irish Pub , Brian Ború }: No stage and one electrical outlet for an entire PA system and band makes it tough for musicians, but you’ll be happy drinking beers on the back deck in summer. The food is decent, the band calendar is eclectic, and the beer is cheap(ish). Another plus: The clientele tends to be a bit more diverse than its Old Port counterparts.

[ Rock Clubs ]

Geno’s, The Big Easy, The Station, The Asylum

Let’s face it, Portland’s been a rock-and-roll town for three decades. Unfortunately, the number of places for rock bands to play has steadily decreased. We lost The Ale House, a staple of rock in the Old Port. We lost The Skinny but eagerly await its return. We lost The Free Street Taverna, which helped give rise to dozens of Portland’s best rockers in the 1990s. So what’s left?

The Big Easy has one of the finest sound systems in Portland but has fallen into a booking rut—with the occasional oddball tossed in. I’ll give them props, though, for having the guts to do a Monday Night Hip Hop Open Mic night. I just wish they’d book more national acts and more diverse local acts like the venue’s former tenant in the 1990s, Granny Killam’s.

If you like your rock heavy, The Station’s the place for you. It’s essentially an underground pool hall, but don’t let that fool you. The tunnel-like band room has adequate sound, and its dark, dank vibe is the perfect place to see a hard-core show. Over the years, The Station has made a genuine effort to bring national metal and hard-core acts to Portland, so kudos to them for that. If you like Miller Lite, pool, and metal, get over to The Station.

The Asylum has had its ups and downs. Just a few years ago, it was booking national acts on a regular basis, but it seems to have succumbed to mismanagement. Word on the street is, the booking’s been taken over by yet another entity. Can The Asylum be restored to its former glory? The club’s 700+ capacity puts it in a category of its own in Portland; it’s the perfect venue for mid-sized touring acts. I do know that the DJ and dance-party schedule has picked up.

{ Best Rock Club , Geno’s } : Portland’s original rock club has been around since the dawn of time—surviving relocation while maintaining its subterranean rock-and-roll charm. Geno’s is Portland’s best because it embodies a true rock club: no frills, loud music, cheap beer. Our very own version of CBGB. It’s easy to get a gig at Geno’s, and that alone makes it a very important part of Portland’s music scene. It’s been booking local and national talent—often together—for decades, and shows no signs of slowing. Now if they can only get the sound worked out: Playing in a giant diorama box kinda sucks.

[ Dance Clubs ]

Liquid Blue, Threeways, Bubba’s Sulky Lounge

Okay, this is a touchy subject for me. In my opinion, there hasn’t been a real ‘dance club’ in Portland since Zootz. In case you don’t remember Zootz, it existed under two or three owners from 1987 to around 1998 at 31 Forest Avenue. It had a great sound system, an actual—gasp!—DJ booth, a fantastic lighting system, and music to die for. It’s the place that turned many Portlanders on to real dance music. It’s where many of today’s best local DJs got started.

You weren’t likely to hear the day’s latest radio hit at Zootz, and for that we were thankful. The clientele was diverse and the ambience forward-thinking. Zootz was packed four nights a week, often with a line out the door, and it wasn’t even in the Old Port. The formula works, and Portland is dying for it.

So where’s today’s Zootz equivalent? Sadly, it doesn’t exist. If Zootz was so beloved and successful, why has no one set out to recreate that success? Yeah, I don’t know, either. Kris Clark, we need you!

While there are many places in Portland where you can dance, there’s still no true dance club. Sure, we have places like Liquid Blue and Threeways—where the sound systems are loud, the dance floors big—but if you don’t like top-40 and commercial hip hop, you’re out of luck. The “dance clubs” in the Old Port cater to the early 20-something crowd. Think pre-faded jeans, baseball caps, well-drink specials, tough guys, drunk girls, and Budweiser banners. It’s mainstream, small-city American nightlife at its finest. These clubs have a place, and if you’re young, drunk, and horny, they’re a great place to be.

On the other hand, if you’re looking for a different dancing experience, I suggest Portland’s { Best Dance Club, Bubba’s Sulky Lounge } . Just walking in is an experience in itself. The walls are lined with crazy antiques and memorabilia of days past, and there’s taxidermy galore and a vintage lunch-box collection that any hardened eBay geek would die for.

One of the things that makes Bubba’s the best dance club is Portland’s only retro Saturday-Night-Fever-style lighted dance floor. Bubba’s regularly hosts house and techno dance nights, as well as the extremely popular 1980s Dance Party with DJ Jon every Friday night. Bubba’s is away from the Old Port and therefore doesn’t receive the walk-by traffic that the Old Port clubs enjoy, thus making it a destination. The clientele at Bubba’s is always diverse, which lends to its relaxed, pretension-free vibe. The days of Bubba’s sketchy, tough-neighborhood past are gone, and it’s emerged as a very cool place to drink and dance the night away.

[ Cocktail Lounges ]

Úna, Plush, Lava Lounge, 51 Wharf, Top of the East, The White Heart

Portland likes cocktail lounges, and so do I. For the purpose of this article, I’ve included only the lounges that feature some kind of entertainment—the kinds of places where you can relax with friends while listening to good music and enjoying a high-end beverage. With constant weekly and monthly gigs, the cocktail lounge is a favorite place for many of Portland’s top DJs.

Let’s start with Úna. It’s on the outskirts of the Old Port and features a swanky interior and high-priced drink menu. Úna is a favorite happy-hour spot of the Old Port’s business people, but when the sun goes down, it transforms into a favorite hangout for hipsters. Úna is Portland’s natural habitat for the species known as urban cougar, and you’re most likely to see one on a weekend night workin’ drinks off an unsuspecting junior partner from an Old Port law firm. The pretension level is a bit high at Úna, and it’s fairly small, so I recommend going on a Tuesday night when the music is still bangin’ and the crowd is minimal. Úna could make better use of its very limited space; maybe then the DJ wouldn’t have to set up at the end of the bar.

Delving deeper into the Old Port brings us to Plush, a bit of a pseudo-cocktail lounge in that the drink menu is extremely limited and the interior is of the fixed-up-attic variety. Plush does have its benefits, however—namely, the music: a stable of excellent resident DJs as well as a small dance floor to get your groove on.

Another pseudo-cocktail lounge is Lava Lounge. Again, the drink menu is limited, and the interior lacks any real style. Lava Lounge is rarely packed, and they’re generally out of ingredients required to make any real cocktails. Up until recently, the Lava Lounge played host to a handful of Portland’s top DJs, but gross mismanagement, lack of promotion, and a ridiculous payment system has caused the best DJs to stop playing there. It’s too bad, because I think that space could be very successful if someone else bought it and actually invested some time and money into it.

One street behind Plush and Lava Lounge is 51 Wharf. A fairly new establishment (old club, new owner, new name), 51 Wharf features a nice, comfortable interior, good DJs, and even a small dance floor.

For something a bit different, take the elevator ride up to The Top of the East in the Eastland Park Hotel. It’s the perfect place to enjoy a cocktail while taking in the 360-degree view of our beloved city. T.O.T.E often features live jazz, helpful in droning out the conversations of lonely business travelers working on their fourth Manhattan. T.O.T.E is more of a novelty than a true hangout spot, but it’s worth the trip if only for the view and the 1970s-style brown-leather and mahogany interior.

Finally, we get to Portland’s { Best Cocktail Lounge: The White Heart }, Congress Street’s newest hangout that aims to please. The best thing about it is that it tends to appeal to everyone…well most everyone. Patrons can feel just as comfortable ordering a PBR as a Sapphire Martini.

Another great thing about The White Heart is that they have bands. It’s almost a rock club, but its lack of a stage and its table-and-booth seating make it more of a lounge. The interior is hip, the drinks are priced right, the bands and DJs are good, there’s never a cover charge, and there’s even an area for dancing. The White Heart is a great alternative to the Old Port scene, and its come one, come all atmosphere is comfortable while maintaining the class of a martini bar. It tends to get a bit crowded on weekend nights, so if waiting in line for a drink isn’t your thing, check out The White Heart’s always-diverse weeknight schedule.

[ Gay & Lesbian ]

Blackstones, SpringStreet, Styxx

Portland is a relatively gay-friendly community—we have a handful of gay-friendly clubs. Blackstones in the West End calls itself “Portland’s oldest neighborhood bar”; it’s definitely been around as long as I can remember. The interior looks like any neighborhood bar in Anytown, USA, complete with pool table, Golden T Golf Arcade Game, a set of steer antlers, and wooden bar. However, it’s their theme parties and fun-loving clientele that make it worth a visit.

A short walk down the street from Blackstones brings you to SpringStreet (formerly Somewhere), with a stylish interior and a bit more of a city feel. SpringStreet often has DJs and is a comfortable place to enjoy a quality beverage. { Best Gay Club : Styxx } is just perfectly removed from the Old Port’s main bar area, which makes it easily accessible without patrons having to wade through a crowd. It’s energetic, fun, and always well-attended. You can expect to hear lots of 1980s music and hip hop, which keeps the dancers moving on the full-sized dance floor. It’s also well-known for its wacky theme parties, including Drag Bingo, Mardis Gras Night, Pimp’n’Ho Night, Pole Dancing Contest, and a Foam Party.

[ A League of Their Own ]

The State Theatre, Austin’s Boot & Buckle Saloon, SPACE

What the hell is going on with The State Theatre? All I know is that it’s closed and no bands are playing. It’s basically a money-sucking pit, and the cost of running it outweighs the potential profit. Can’t we turn it into TD Banknorth NASCAR Hannaford Theater or something? Where are all the corporate sponsors?

Okay, so it’s not in-town, but Portland’s only fully countrified saloon deserves a mention. Built in a former industrial garage on Warren Avenue, Austin’s Boot & Buckle has a gritty-concrete-jungle-meets-wild-west kinda feel. A huge dancing area lets patrons get down to their favorite country tunes. This is everything a classic roadhouse should be: no frills, plenty of mullets, lots of Budweiser, and enough line dancing to keep you hummin’ “Achy Breaky Heart” all the way home.

SPACE on Congress Street is Portland’s very own multifunction arts-and-entertainment venue, doing a delicate balancing act between art exhibits, film showings, and local and touring musical-act bookings. SPACE is a fun place to see a band. The room is big yet still feels intimate, the sound is always decent, and the added benefit of having the latest art exhibit create the night’s ambience is always interesting.

The bar offerings at SPACE are limited but adequate, and the prices are fair. I always enjoy playing at SPACE. The stage is comfortably sized and the crowds always enthusiastic. They even provide a nice selection of microbrews in the dressing-room refrigerator.

SPACE also manages to do a great job at keeping the musical bookings diverse. I’ve seen everything from hard-core sludge rock to bluegrass there. It’s a great place to dance, and the dance parties I’ve attended there always remind me of the openness and social unity I used to feel all those years ago at Zootz.

There are plenty of places to go in Portland when you hear the night calling. Of course, there are dozens of ‘bars’ in Portland that I didn’t mention, many worth checking out. When they start having music, I’ll go there, too.

© 2007 Portland Magazine Colin Sargent, Editor & Publisher editor@portlandmonthly.com Click here to subscribe