You don't have to go to “World's End” to experience pirate living. Just hop aboard a tour boat from the Isles of Shoals Steamship Company and head out to spooky Star and Appledore islands.

Warren's Lobster House: This legendary Kittery attraction, right off the old Route 1, the first thing you see entering Maine, features knotty pine, a prehistoric salad bar, great lobsters, and 150 feet of free boat docking.

Indulge in homemade strawberry shortcake between the acts at Hackmatack Playhouse in Berwick. For advanced aesthetes: park out in the field during firefly season.

Have a gaol time threatening your little ones with incarceration at Historic York Village, Maine's answer to Old Sturbridge Village, including a wharf once owned by John Hancock on the York River.

Lose hours at The Goldenrod in York Beach watching the mesmerizing vintage taffy-twisting machine. With the stone fireplace, homemade rum-raisin ice cream, varnished golden oak tables and chairs, and college co-eds serving you a triple-decker club sandwich and a lime rickey, you'd swear it was 1962.

Hokey displays, rickety rides, and plenty of up-close-and-personal time with animals puts the fun in funky at York Wild Kingdom, and it's fabulous. Don't miss the rare white tiger or the warehouse full of butterflies from Costa Rica. Watch them land on your shoulder.

Maybe it's the secret sauce. Whatever it is, Flo's Hot Dogs on U.S. Route 1 in Cape Neddick has it. And you want it.

Take a number at Barnacle Billy's at Perkins Cove in Ogunquit. Experience lobster in the rough.

The fecund topiary outside Ogunquit Playhouse has lured theatergoers here since the 1930s. You couldn't drive through Maine without hearing Sally Struthers, could you? Plus, there's air conditioning.

Take in a goth wedding while picnicking at the top of Mount Agamenticus, a defunct ski resort with views of the Kennebunks and out to the Atlantic Ocean. Because you can still picnic on the abandoned lodge and feel you own the place.

On Route 1 in Wells: two words—Congdon's Doughnuts, famous for its sugary, slathery creations like Chocolate Jimmy or Apple Fritter doughnuts for decades. Maybe a bit more than two calories.

The early bird gets the red flannel hash at the Maine Diner in Wells. But only on Saturday mornings. That's because New England Boiled Dinner is served Thursday night, and they spend all Friday overseeing the delectable transformation. When it's gone, it's gone. This frequent Maine location for the Today show has earned a thumbs-up from Seinfeld's Soup Nazi.

A delightful, delicious De Lorean is on display at Wells Transportation Museum.

Starfish and slipcovers do not a decorator make. Instead, completely redo your abode in ‘lighthouse' at Lighthouse Depot: Yes, there's even lighthouse toilet paper.

If what you crave…is an ad from Burma Shave…visit the Seashore Trolley Museum and take a ride on the Reading or one of their many other restored antique trains and trolleys. They'll serve you a Moxie here, too, in case you've run out of Dimetapp.

Hillcrest Pitch & Putt has a pot at the end of the rainbow. On a hot summer day at the Hillcrest Golf driving range, the red-lettered “Free Pail” sign can seem a mirage, but don't despair. You'll hit it with the next one…

Wedding Cake House: Carved by shipwrights to suggest a Milan cathedral. Whatever.

Some things are better kept secret from your cardiologist. Like, for example, where the hard-to-find seat by the river is behind The Clam Shack in Kennebunk. Or that you went there in the first place and ordered the fisherman's platter.

It's silly, it's touristy, and it isn't summer unless you have the lobster stew on the deck at Mabel's Lobster Claw in Kennebunkport. Tell your friends you just rubbed elbows with the Bushes, who frequent The River Club down the street.

To relive the magic of Dirty Dancing, try The Colony Hotel in Kennebunkport. Friday is lobster buffet night. The coveted seating is in “the bird cage.” Who knows? Maybe the Blue Flames synchronized swim team, who look suspiciously like the hotel's waitresses, may perform again.

Spouting Rock on Ocean Avenue is one of Maine's most photographed natural wonders. Or are the tourists really catching a glimpse of the Bush family at their Walkers Point retreat, visible in the same frame?

Sip a perfect martini at Pier 77 while you watch the lobster boats come in at sunset to Cape Porpoise.

Have a bully time and channel Teddy Roosevelt at the Tides Inn By The Sea off Route 9. They specialize in “relaxed atmosphere bordering on inefficiency.” T.R. memorabilia warms the intimate bar and dining room; Sir Arthur Conan Doyle was another famous guest.

Old Orchard Palace Playland. You can, but should not, spit on the beach from the top of the ferris wheel at Maine's original action park. Duke Ellington et al. used to dazzle big crowds on the old pier here.

Saco Drive-In: Second-oldest drive-in in the whole U.S.A.

Funtown Splashtown USA: Gene Wilder, welcome to the Chocolate Factory.

Big 20 Bowling Lanes, Scarborough: The lost art of candlepin bowling.

Prides Corner Drive-In: An even better time capsule than the Saco Drive-In.

Say hi to Lenny, life-sized chocolate moose, at Len Libby Candies, Rte. 1, Scarborough.

Imagine yourself landing on a beach in Normandy and then reflect with relief: you're in one of the restored World War II amphibious vehicles operated by Downeast Duck Adventures, 177 Commercial Street in Portland. The ultimate way to make a splash.

Top of the East, Portland: Our answer to San Francisco's Top of the Mark is 300 feet above sea level, atop the Eastland Park Hotel.

Marcy's Breakfast & Lunch, Portland. Hog and eggs are for breakfast at this delicious greasy spoon with the Harley Davidson decor.

J's Oyster House: Trashy in a good way.

Bay View Cruises serves an incredible lobster bake with fantastic views through the big windows. They bring everything to you while dapper Cap'n Dick Yates dishes on the lore and legends of Casco Bay. Just when you can't eat another bite, it's over too soon.

Or, for a completely different lobster bake experience, try House Island Tours, where you are treated to a tour of the vaulting granite fort on the island.

Becky's Diner, Portland waterfront—Go for breakfast at 4 a.m., to eat with the real Maine fishing crowd.

Platinum Plus, Portland. “For the donuts.“

Paeon to excess: Victoria Mansion. Tour this Italianate brownstone built between 1858 and 1860; 90 percent of its original contents remain today. So they tell us.

DiMillo's Floating Restaurant. You'll hardly feel the bobbing of this giant ship/restaurant. Island ferries, yachts, and cruise ships float by as you dine. Get your sea legs as well as lobster served in more than a dozen different ways.

The Tate House, Portland. Adventures in the mast trade.

Longfellow House. Regarding Henry.

Bubba's Sulky Lounge. Go for the Friday Night ‘80s Dance Party, but don't miss the stuffed heads or the lunch-box collection here.

For a frosted molasses donut, it's Tony's Donuts at 9 Bolton Street.

Susan's Fish & Chips is the go-to place for fried lobster tail on a stick. There's free ice cream here for a “good” report card. This from folks who fry lobster.

Maine Narrow Gauge Railroad: Slim train, killer views. Retired guys in railroad drag.

Benny's Fish & Chips. “Benny's is no guilty pleasure. It's just guilty!”

Pocahontas Light, Great Diamond Island: It's the smallest lighthouse registered with the U. S. Coast Guard, standing only 6 feet tall. It honestly looks like a lawn ornament.

Lobster Shack at Cape Elizabeth. Fast food for the soul.

Harmon's Hamburgers in West Falmouth. The only question they ask is how many do you want?

Clams fried, clams steamed, clams made into jewelry. Yes, it's the Yarmouth Clam Festival. It begins, as always, on the third Friday in July.

The BFI—or Big Friendly Indian, known also by alternate middle names—presides 25 feet high over Route One in Freeport. Shoppers beware. Trading rules strictly enforced. A more recent politically correct version is MBNA—Maine's Big Native American.

Feeling a little medieval, but short the cost of a ticket to Europe? Take a stroll in Winslow Park and look for the still-standing tower of Casco Castle in Freeport, a turn-of-the-19th-century Mainer's version of a Spanish castillo.

L.L. Bean, Freeport: A river doesn't run through L.L. Bean's flagship store, but trout can always find a home in the indoor pond. Come on a weekend to see a catch-and-release demo in which the pros show how to catch the elusive Rainbow.

Plan a safari on the Desert of Maine in Freeport. Reviled as Maine's largest cat box, it's really a fascinating example of reverse geography in which a sand pit swallowed an entire New England farm.

Bradbury Bump (ahem, “Mountain”): You could probably hike this mountain in Pownal with your Freeport shopping bags. Wonderful views of Casco Bay.

Seacoast Fun Park, Windham: Ride the infamous three-person Skymax swing. Bumper Boats, Gran Prix Go-Karts, and Sling Shot Trampoline experiences sold separately.

State Prison Store, Windham: Go Shawshank and feel warm and fuzzy supporting the vocational rehabilitation of Maine's convicts—there are some bargains to be had.

Jet-ski rentals. Sebago Lake Lodge in Windham, Jeff's Marine in Thomaston, Cozy Moose Cabins in Greenville—the list goes on.

Songo River Cruise: An “honest to goodness replica” of a real-life Mississippi stern paddle wheeler.

Big Adventure Center, Bethel: Laser tag, water slides, bowling, mini golf.

North American Wife Carrying Championships, Sunday River: It's exactly what it sounds like and it's right here in Maine, during the annual Columbus Day Fall Festival.  Top prize includes the wife's weight in Redhook beer (the event's sponsor), as well as five times her weight in cash and up to $1,000 towards a trip to the World Championships in Finland.

Stanley Museum, Kingfield: It wouldn't make the pole at today's Daytona 500, but in 1907 the Stanley Rocket was plenty fast enough to set a land speed record at the Florida racetrack. Catch a glimpse of the machine that once traveled 127.6 mph.

Skinny dipping by moonlight at Grant's Camps, Rangeley. Don't ask.

Cole Farms, Gray: Hundreds of Mainers have closed the generation gap over a hearty meal of red hot dogs and beans at Cole Farms in Gray. You get what you pay for.

They're not Amish, they're not Quakers, they don't use snakes or speak in tongues. But the Shakers, in Sabbathday Lake on Route 26, who have kept a low profile for about 210 years, do have a museum, a library open to the public, and a gift store featuring wild honeycomb. Chances are you'll be the guiltiest one here, though their web site does invite viewers to “shop online.”

Oxford Plains Speedway: Get your vroom on!

Buckfield Mall: You will not find Macy's at this truckstop with a clever publicist, but you may run into Patrick Dempsey visiting his old hangout.

A-Maize-ing Corn Maze: A PG version of Children of the Corn is held annually in Poland. Kids stalk their way through a corn field labyrinth 10 feet tall. Admission, three dollars each. Matinees only…

Hodgman's Frozen Custard, in New Gloucester, has been in business for more than 60 years in the middle of nowhere with good reason. It tastes like nothing else.

Taber's Lakeside Stand, Auburn, for golf and ice cream. I'd like a mashie niblic with a cherry on top.

Great Falls Balloon Festival in Lewiston and Auburn August 17-19.

Theater at Monmouth: Famous alums include Patrick Dempsey, Bronson Pinchot, and John Travolta (in 1976!).

Cook's Lobster House, Bailey Island: Dare to go Jumbo.

Drink in the long, storied (and faintly medicinal) history of Maine's official soft drink at the Moxie Museum in Lisbon Falls.

Drive up Route 24 and drive in to Brunswick's Fat Boy Drive-In across from the naval air station. Flip on your headlights for service. Very guilty fried food delivered promptly. Amazing milkshakes.

Loony Lagoon: When Philip Day retired from Bath Iron Works he devoted his time to creating a “Loony Lagoon” of scrap metal sculpture across his property–everything from UFOs to dragons.  

Red's Eats, Wiscasset: It's little larger than a boxcar, but big on servings (one pound of lobster meat per sandwich!) and history (70 years in operation).

A1 Diner, Gardiner: The name has changed since 1946, but the location and fantastic flaky biscuits have remained the same.

Old Fort Western. Tour Maine's oldest settlers' fort on the Kennebec River, Augusta.

Maine State Capitol. A Bulfinch design so beautiful it doesn't need gold leaf.

Boothbay Rail Museum: All aboard! Hop on this coal-fired steam train and chug around Boothbay Railway Village.

Thomaston BBQ: When it seems, as Anthony Burgess put it, things are changing so skorry nowadays, head to Thomaston, pop. 3,322, for their 4th of July BBQ and celebration. Some things never change.

Knox Mansion: Replica of Montpelier, the home of Gen. Henry Knox, the first Secretary of War under George Washington.

The Island Inn on Monhegan Island. Experience turn-of-the-last-century vacations, complete with no cell phone service, no internet, and shared bathrooms.

Moody's Diner, Waldoboro: Home of Tim Sample's pickled eggs.

Whitehall Inn, Camden. Edna St. Vincent Millay and her sister Norma used to perform here at the annual waitresses' ball at summer's end. There's a great collection of Millay memorabilia.

L.C. Bates Museum, Hinckley. Your basic Stephen King novel in 3-D, complete with lurid taxidermy. This museum founded by a Hemingway pal walks on the wild side.

Perry's Nut House, Belfast: The world may never know whether it was the stuffed alligators, trick mirrors, or boxing bear cubs that once lured Eleanor Roosevelt here. Don't miss the huge man-eating clam.

Greenville…ride the Katahdin Ferry across Moosehead Lake.

International Seaplane Fly-In, Greenville: September 6-9 at Moosehead Lake.

Dysart's Truck Stop Restaurant: Good news about this truck stop travels all over. Classic corned-beef hash in Hermon.

Though Akeley, Minnesota, disputes the Queen City's claim of being the birthplace of America's legendary lumberman, it's hard to argue with the world's tallest and heftiest (31 feet and 3,700 pounds) Paul Bunyan Statue, standing tall beside the Bangor Civic Center.

Stephen King House: True junkies will take the “Tommyknockers & More” bus tour to visit the novelist's home on West Broadway in Bangor as well as the inspiration for Pet Sematary, the spot where Ellie saw the “Skinny Santa,” and many more sites from King's horror-scape.  Don't worry—the tour only runs during daylight hours.

Hollywood Slots in Bangor—the pleasures don't come guiltier!

For over 200 years, travelers have been coming to the Lucerne Inn on Phillips Lake between Bangor and Ellsworth to experience the Switzerland-like setting and luxurious accommodations.

View the old switchboards at The Telephone Museum in Ellsworth for an understanding of how hard it once was just to say “hello.” We suggest leaving your cell phone in the car.

Timber Tina, Trenton: Do you hear the quiet, persistent song of the saws? “Tim-ber, Tim-ber Tina, queen of the wild frontier!” Though she hails from Wisconsin, “Timber” Tina Scheer chose Trenton as the stage for her Great Maine Lumberjack Show.

Petraglyphs near Machias—painting the town red the old-fashioned way.

Houlton Solar System: Try not to hit the scale model of the solar system on I-95 up here. Set your odometer to measure mileage between planets. Another guilty pleasure from the visionary stratosphere…

Watch cow chip bingo, the burping competition, and the watermelon seed-spitting contest at the Agricultural Festival in Houlton the first week in July. For the sadists out there, make your way to the salsa-chugging and jalapeno-pepper-eating contests.

Ice Caves—a cool summer surprise for hikers at both Deboullie and Allagash caves in Aroostook County; there's ice here ready to delight steamy travelers year-round.

© 2007 Portland Magazine Colin Sargent, Editor & Publisher editor@portlandmonthly.com Click here to subscribe